


a woman-like, now-and-then, could-happen-to, thing

by theladyscribe



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 20:32:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladyscribe/pseuds/theladyscribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha thinks of James and everything that has happened since the Winter Soldier appeared on SHIELD's radar. She looks at Steve and says, "Pass that bottle here."</p><p>Possible trigger warning: please read end-notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a woman-like, now-and-then, could-happen-to, thing

**Author's Note:**

> I expect this story will be entirely jossed by _Winter Soldier_ , and I am totally okay with that. Many thanks to Aenaria for the beta, and to nessismore for the encouragement. Title is from "Baltimore Oriole" by Hoagy Carmichael.
> 
>  **WARNING** : This story is not a happy story. There is a major character death that happens before the story begins, and it doesn’t get happier. Please read the end-notes for further information/trigger warnings.

1.

They bury James on a Friday. The ceremony is a small one, only the Avengers and a few of the higher-ups from SHIELD in attendance. Steve had wanted Peggy and Dugan to be there as well, but Fury pointed out that officially, James Buchanan Barnes had been dead for seventy years.

Steve doesn't fight it, but Natasha can see the tension in his spine.

She stands beside him at the graveside, clutches at his hand as their friend's coffin is covered with black dirt. Waits with him until the hole is filled and everyone else is gone.

They leave together.

 

2.

Natasha follows Steve into the liquor store just outside the train station, watches silently as he buys four bottles of rotgut.

He opens the first bottle as they walk out the door; he has it nearly finished before they reach his apartment three blocks over.

Natasha spares a second for the concern that someone might see them -- might record Captain America doing his damnedest to get drunk in public in broad daylight. But then she thinks of James and everything that has happened since the Winter Soldier appeared on SHIELD's radar.

She looks at Steve and says, "Pass that bottle here."

 

3.

She wakes naked and alone in Steve's bed with the sounds and smells of breakfast coming from the other side of the partition that marks off the bedroom. Natasha gropes for her pants, finds her bra and shirt, and runs a hand through her hair before stepping out into the main area of the studio.

The scene is oddly domestic, at least for them: Steve puttering around the kitchen, obviously trying to keep quiet as he scrambles eggs and fries bacon.

"Do you have coffee?" Natasha asks, and he looks up from the stove top.

"It'll be ready in a minute," he says nodding toward the French press with its stopper still raised.

"Great." Natasha seats herself at the bar, watching as Steve finishes spooning eggs onto plates before pulling the bacon from the pan. He serves up the coffee, offering milk and sugar, and finally comes to sit beside her.

"Listen, Natasha, about last night--"

She holds up a hand before he can go any further. "No need to talk about it, Steve. I can assure you it won't affect our professional relationship or our friendship."

Steve lets out a long breath. "Okay. Good."

Natasha hums in agreement and tucks into her breakfast, glad the last twenty-four hours can be filed away and forgotten.

 

4.

She does not go to Doctor Samara at SHIELD, where there would be pragmatic questions with the expectation of pragmatic answers and piles of paperwork. Instead, she puts on her casual jeans and an old hoodie (she thinks it might have been Clint's once upon a time), and goes to a walk-in clinic in Rosslyn.

The nurse practitioner tells her what she already knows and asks not unkindly if she'd like to schedule an appointment or be referred to an OB/GYN.

"Do I need to make a decision today?" she asks, playing the part of the scared twenty-something she isn't.

"You take all the time you need, and call us when you're ready." The woman gives her a smile that's supposed to be comforting, but laced with a pity Natasha doesn't want.

 

5.

She makes the phone call two months to the day after the funeral. "I just thought you should know. I don't expect anything from you, I'm not going to demand anything from you, but I figured you'd want to know."

The first thing Steve says is, "Are you going--"

"Haven't decided," she cuts him off. "I still have some time." If she wants to be honest, this is the part where she'd say she wants him to help her decide. Wants him to make the decision, even. She'd let him, and she tries not to think about what that means.

"If you... Let me know, okay? I'll - I'll come with you, if you want."

It's an olive branch, an apology, and a show of support that she hadn't expected, so she takes it as it is and says, "Thanks."

He doesn't say, "It's the least I could do," for which she is thankful (the least he could've done was wear a condom two months ago, but then they were both kind of drunk and emotional, and the blame goes both ways because she could've said something and didn't).

 

6.

Natasha makes a decision and goes to New York. Steve picks her up from the airport, takes her suitcase with a small smile and a kiss on the cheek.

"How was the flight?" he asks as they walk to his car.

"Fine." One flight is much the same as another; unless something extraordinary happens, there's no need for elaboration.

He doesn't ask, "How are you?" or "How is it?" (Natasha can only think of it as an "it." No good will come of thinking of it in more human terms.)

They have dinner with Pepper and Tony because Steve had let slip that she'd be in town, and once dinner was proposed, she couldn't very well say no. Pepper offers her a room at the Tower, but she demurs, saying Steve has already offered. Pepper nods, only a slight rise of her eyebrows indicating her surprise. Tony, to his credit, doesn't say a word.

 

7.

Things are strained when they go to sleep that night, lying beside each other but not touching. Quietly, Steve says, "You don't have to go through with it, you know."

She isn't sure how to respond to that, isn't sure if this is Steve being supportive no matter what her decision or Steve feeling Catholic guilt. She hopes it's the former, but suspects it might be the latter. Finally, she turns toward him and asks, "Do you want me not to?"

"No. Yes. No. It's not my choice to make. You and I -- our lives -- I don't think either of us --" He sighs. "There's no easy answer."

Natasha smiles bitterly, even though she knows he probably can't see it in the dark of the room. "There never is."

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This story deals with a one-night stand, an unplanned pregnancy, and a decision to have an abortion. It isn't graphic, but please read at your own discretion.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Hardest Thing, This Decision I Made](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12056121) by [flipflop_diva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/pseuds/flipflop_diva)




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